Jokes

[Forgotten]

Alright guys, I recieved permission to start a jokes thread. I thought this would be a good way to entertain ourselves since it seems like most of us on this board have a sense of humor.

I'll start the first of hopefully a long list of humor

(btw Mike said that anything racist or defamitory will result in bans)



A blonde girl cuts in front of a truck driver and he pulls her over because he thinks she's been on the road long enough

He tells her to step outside her car and not move

He runs back to his semi and grabs a knife and a stick of chalk, he walks over to her and draws on the ground a circle and tells her to stand inside that circle no matter what he does

She steps inside the circle and he turns around and takes his knife and keys the whole car

The blonde starts giggling, which makes the truck driver mad

He then turns back around and breaks out her doorglass and tears the headliner to shreds

The blonde is laughing now, and he is getting pissed

So he turns around again and takes his knife and slices her leather seats all to pieces

The blonde is double over laughing her ass off, and now the trucker is furious and he asks her what is so damn funny

The blonde girl tells him, everytime you turned around, I stepped outside the circle!

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[bowshtr]

Oil Change instructions

Oil Change instructions for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

[Forgotten]

A teenage boy about the age of 16 is talking to his girlfriend. she tells him that if he will come over and meet her parents she will sleep with him

so he agrees

an hour later he goes to the pharmacy at wal-mart to buy some condoms

the pharmacist walks out and helps him select the right ones. the pharmacist also gives a bunch of good ideas and hints to try later

the boy leaves the store

when he gets to her parents house and they sit down the pray. he starts praying and praying and praying

about 10 minutes later his girlfriend leans over and tells him she didn't know he was so religious

he tells her "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist"

[Forgotten]

On a deserted island there were three women, a blond a brunette and a redhead. They needed to get back to the mainland and the only way was by swimming. The redhead goes first. She makes it a quarter of the way then drowns. The brunnette goes second. She makes it one third of the way then drowns.The blonde comes last. She makes it one half of the way, gets tired and then turns back

[Forgotten]

A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face. "Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far." So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he'll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" "How did you know?" "The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar."

[fourwd1]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a
sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the
same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and
your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the
same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out
of this highly dangerous situation?





























Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

[norcalyota]

A Short Course On Car Accident Reports
In order to see life in a humorous way, you may care to read the following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977. They are ACTUAL statements from insurance forms where car drivers, who tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

[norcalyota]

TEN REASONS TO LEAVE YOUR TRUCK IN PRIMER

10. You can wash it with Comet

9. You don't have to buy a truck cover.

8. You can buy primer at the grocery store and paint your truck in the parking lot.

7. You can park your truck anywhere without worrying about getting door dings.

6. You can stand on the roof and get a good look at what's going on around you.

5. You don't have to worry as much about it getting stolen.

4. You don't have to spend sleepless nights trying to decide what color to paint it.

3. If you forget lawn chairs, you can sit on the fenders.

2. You don't have to do the bodywork until you're good and ready.

1. You can use a pencil to do your pinstriping, lettering or graphics. If you need to remember a phone number, you can write it on the fender.





You know your a 4X4 nut when...

Your constantly asking your significantly other is there's anything lying around the house that can be sold on eBay to buy the next item on your "Wish List".

Your child's big wheel can articulate.

Your lawn mower has a grill guard, tow hooks, fog lights, and can ramp 800.

You skimp on groceries to save up for that lift, new tires, lockers, etc.

You buy real cheap tires for your car, so you can save $$$ for the BFG's.

Your Christmas list begins with disconnects and ARB... (and your significant other knows what these are).

More than one 4WD supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.

You get upset when people don't return the "Club Wave".

Your friends don't recognize you without muddy clothes and a tow strap in your hand.

You get offended when people call a Geo Tracker a Jeep.

You get offended when people call your 4X4"cute".

Crawling around in the muck wrenching on your own 4X4 is much more appealing than reclining on the sofa, watching women's volleyball on TV with a beer in your hand.

People know you by your "brokes"----"Oh, you're the one who broke a driveshaft last weekend!"

You've ever tried to convince your significant other you needed that winch to do work around the house.

You have enough spare parts to build another 4X4 .

When you see a 4X4 that's never been off-road and you think of animals at the zoo.

Your reading material in your bathroom consists of 4X4 catalogs, topographical maps, and 400 4X4 magazines, none of which have centerfolds.

You know that getting from point A to point B involves being winched at least once.

You save broken 4X4 parts as " momento's".

You drive over curbs instead of backing up.

Your idea of a car wash is driving through a mud puddle.

[Forgotten]

cop song

run piggy piggy run little pork

run piggy piggy you know i gotta fork!

[94cnytoy]

Read this out loud:

I am sofa king we todd did.

Afterwards, read this and Forgotten's "cop song" to a local law enforcement agent. Thanking them for their services.

Thanks
Stew

[norcalyota]

Lawn Mower
>
> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me
> that
> I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take
> care
> of first, the truck, the car, and fishing, always something
more important
> to me.
>
> Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
>
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily
> snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently
for a short
> time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few
minutes. When I
> came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
>
> "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well
sweep the
> sidewalk."
>
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a
limp.
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right, and the
> other is a husband.

[skatermania88]

Ok so I deleted my last joke because I offended someone, so now I'm gonna try to redeem myself!
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Hoodlum]

A Mexican drinks his beer throws the glass in the air pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass into pieces and says where I come from glasses are so cheap we don't have to drink from the same one twice
An arab sees this and in his amazement quickly drinks his beer throws the glass in the air pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass and says where I come from we have so much sand to make glasses with we don't have to drink from the same glass twice either.
A cowboy sitting in the corner cool as a cucumber drinks his beer throws the glass in the air pulls out his gun shoots the Mexican and the Arab catches the glass and says where I come from we have so many illegal aliens we don't have to drink with the same two twice

[norcalyota]

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine,” the blonde chirped.

“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…”

“Uh, ma’am,” the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

[bowshtr]

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-install, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. It may even crash your system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
X67861

[DeadlyPeace]

Hey bowshtr,
I just install Out to dinner 2.1 to my system. This is were you go out to dinner twice a week. She goes on Tuesday, I go on Friday.

[bowshtr]

LOL

Deadly,

I didnt mean to steal your trademark font. It totally crossed my mind when i posted up.

I think i will change it to pink or something of that nature.